For all that was lost and all that was gained

This year has been the worst year and yet, the strongest year of my life. I walked in to 2021, married and in love with another human being. I am walking out of 2021 divorced and learning to love myself. At the beginning of this year, I lived in fear of being dead at 40 because my body was shutting down on itself and attacking itself, and no medical test results could indicate why. I was on five doses of allergy meds a day just to function and metformin as well, even though I am not diabetic or prediabetic. I was in constant pain and struggled to move every single day. I'm leaving 2021 off of every single medication and down 45 pounds. My body hasn't attacked itself but once since being on my own, rediscovering how to love myself. My word to focus on for the year was experience. Well, my friends, I have experienced many things this year! I have experienced hardships, this is true. I lost my job in the first two weeks of the year because they replaced me while my family was quarantined for COVID. I lost the person I thought was THE ONE. I held five different positions this year with three different companies. I have watched my children's worlds implode in so many ways that it shouldn't be allowed to happen. I lost my free time to working two jobs to make ends meet, working every single day of the week. I lost all self confidence and self worth and tried desperately to grasp one sliver of respect for myself, because what kind of person keeps ending back up at this same place?!? I have lost the ability to sleep a full night through because....well, anxiety and nightmares. I have spent countless hours on the phone with my parents, siblings and friends, crying, walking through how I can get through what I am going through. I have spent a lot of nights by myself, in my closet with the shower turned on, in the hopes that my children would not hear the sobs escaping my body, as tears streamed down my face, wondering how in the world I can put one foot in front of the other. Wondering how this can possibly be MY life AGAIN? But oh, my friends, I have gained so much more than I have lost! There are parts of me that broke this year into smithereens. Parts that I will never get back. But oh how much more I have gained. I have experienced the freedom that is found in having a body that is not attacking itself. I experience everyday now, the release of the fear that I will die before my children have grown. I no longer count down the days to my 40th birthday, feeling as though the world will end for me by then. I experienced the freedom of no longer having to fill medication daily dose trackers as part of my week. I have experienced being rallied around by those I love. I had this experience not only with my divorce, but with Kaitlyn's graduation, her moving out and with Gage's eye. I have experienced love and support beyond measure through things like those looking out for jobs for me. Some provided monetary support when things were crushing me. Others provided meals. Some provided their friendship, their listening ear, their willingness to take over projects that I had once been committed to, but could no longer commit myself to and then others providing a ride for my children so that I don't have to take them to visitation and can get a moment to breathe. I have experienced what it is like to watch your children struggle with self worth and mental and physical health. I have experienced hearing how their sweet little hearts have been hurt from the choices I have made, knowingly or not. I have experieneced what it is like to feel like an alien, outcast and stranger in your own home. In the midst of my world crashing down this year, it was also rebuilt. I am now stronger than I have ever been. I am walking out of 2021, having had the experience to work on my mental health with a fantastic therapist. I have spent hundreds of hours and dollars working on how to be a better person, how to regain control of my health and my body and learning how to finally listen to my own intuition and body so that I am no longer at odds with myself. I have experienced a major medical emergency for my son and kept myself calm until his medical care team was able to take over. Don't get me wrong, I definitely fell apart on the phone with a dear friend the moment that he was back in surgery. But, in the midst of others completely falling apart, my son's vision at stake and the impending medical bills, I kept calm. I have experienced what it is like to watch your ex-husband marry his best friend, who is ten thousand times more of a perfect match for him than you ever were, AND be happy for them! I have experienced what it is like to co-parent with him and his wife and to have peace, laughter and comfort from them being on the other end of the phone. I have experienced what it is like to have my kids' bonus mom call me and ask for help on a recipe, because we work together that well. I have experienced what it is like to have my co-parent team step in and help with providing things for the kids that they were not required to. I have experienced the opportunity of having the opportunity for my child, who had a major life event happen of graduating this year, not having to choose between what family she got to spend time with or take pictures with. We walked around the entire time as a family, not separate families. I even had the wonderful experience of being able to host her father and stepmom in my home, as we enjoyed the video of a recap of little Kaitlyn's life from birth to graduation. She didn't have to choose. I have experienced what it is like to be able to call someone and say, "I need help" and watch them come running to help. I have experienced the overwhelming feelings of support during this worst year of my life. I have had friends and family who made a call to me, answered a call from me, or even secretly picked up my tab when we were out to dinner for celebration. I have had friends who have taken me out for lunch or brunch to offer support and then ended up paying for my meal because they wanted me to have a break. I have experienced the blessing of having the most amazing friends and family anyone could ever ask for. I have experienced being able to have car troubles, and not have to take out a loan are ask someone for money. I have experienced for the first time as a single mother (this is my third time around) not having any sort of charity given at Christmas time and STILL being able to make it a great Christmas. I have experienced what it is like to hold my head high and know that I, for the first time, provided all of their gifts. I have experienced the chance to be able to look at myself and my life and be able to see what I like, what I want to change and to be able to start to make a plan on how I can change it. I have experienced the chance for me to let go of the expectations for me or others to right the wrongs that have plagued me with friends and family that have left through the years, and I have held on to the pain....I know what it feels like to let that pain and expectation go. I have experienced what it is like to love someone so much, even after all of the hurt, that you still wish desperately that they will not hurt on days that you know are important to their trauma in their life, even though no one in the world would blame you for not wishing them well or not thinking of them at all. I have experienced what it is like for my heart to hurt for theirs, even though they broke mine. I have experienced what it is like to no longer be a slave to emotional eating. I have experienced what it is like to be able to put on ZERO weight at the holiday season for the first time in my life. I have experienced what it feels like to look in the mirror and know that you have work to do, but to also know that you can do it and not beat yourself up about it. I have experienced what it is like for the first time to have the option to take the elevator and to WILLINGLY take the stairs. (Listen here, my friends, this does not happen every time....sometimes I still take those elevators because it's insulting to the technology not to utilize it....or something. ;) I have experienced helping my children's friends through mental health issues, as well as my children, and acknowledging that sometimes Mom doesn't have all the answers and can't fix everything, and professional help is needed. I have experienced what it means to be able to take the stuffed animals that were a constant reminder of what you had lost, and turn them in to the local firehouse so that they can use them as a gift for children that are scared when they arrive on the scene. I have experienced what it is like to cleanse myself, my life and my home of the things that no longer suite us. I have experienced, my friends. And so, at the end of 2021, I emphatically say that I have triumphed! I am here! And this is just the beginning!