Why Can't I Just Enjoy This?

Have you ever had this thought? Why can't I just enjoy this moment right here? Why can't I just allow myself to be enveloped by the feelings, sights, sounds, people, etc. that surround me? Why is it so difficult to just shut out the rest of the world and to just shut my mind off? Why have we become so consumed with keeping our eye elsewhere? Why is it our first thought of what else is going on, what is everyone else doing....etc? I have a theory.....somewhere along the way, we stopped thinking for ourselves as a society. Somehow, we allowed our employers, friends, parents, siblings, neighbors, teachers, co-workers and all of their thoughts and feelings become more important than our own. But, why? And how? When did we become less important than these previously listed? Why is it the last thing that we should is think of ourselves? When I am with my kids, I'm thinking about what I didn't get done at work. When I'm at work, I'm thinking of how my kids need me. When my kids are with their fathers for visitation, I feel bad that they aren't with me and that I'm not spending time with them. When my fiance works the weekends, I feel bad if when he gets home I'm too tired to do anything, because I have expended all of my energy in the week on my job. Why can't I just enjoy those moments? Is it because I stopped caring? No. Is it because I am a failure? No. Is it because I have some sort of learning or mental disability? No. Although, even if I did have a learning or mental disability, it still wouldn't mean that I was any less of a person than any other person out here in this vast world. I have allowed myself to believe in the falsehood that society provides all of us with: That my feelings, thoughts and experiences matter less than everyone else. So, it is at this time, that I resolve to try my best to focus in on my five senses when I start to feel overwhelmed. Why? In the hope of being able to ground myself and focus so that I might be able to drink in the moments I have, because they all pass too quickly. So that the next time my child is speaking to me, I am engaged in what they are saying. Because my fiance deserves my undivided attention when he is talking to me about our future. Not a half invested woman that is so worried about everything else that he gets a shell of an answer. If you talk to my fiance and my kids, they will tell you that I am a good mom and a good fiance. But, what happens when I can't see it or feel it? Am I numb? I'm not. I'm actually quite emotionally invested in many things, people and events in my life. Isn't it only fair that I be emotionally invested in me too? Isn't it time that I start allowing myself to have feelings, even if they are the ones that make you sad, mad or angry? Yes, it is okay. And it's okay for you to feel them too! Give yourself permission to feel the way you feel and then choose a HEALTHY way to deal with it. Choose to start focusing on taking it one time, experience, sight, conversation at a time. Make the person in front of you feel important and like they are the only person in the world when they are speaking to you....this is what I am thinking on. Isn't it about time we tried it? I think so. And remember, this list of people, includes YOU! Take time to sit and process things through your own thoughts. Give yourself permission to be alone, to rejuvenate. You deserve it!