To The Mom Who Is Glad Summer Is Over

So, here's the thing. I've been giving this a lot of thought and I've spent a lot of time feeling extremely guilty about it all. Then I realized.....it's okay! You see, I have been anxiously awaiting the day that my children are BACK in school because there's just simply too much fighting for my sanity to stay in tact when they are home. Usually, this is the part where someone tells me that they fight because they are bored or something like that. No. No.....you see, my children seem to fight because they find some sort of fun in it. So, I was sitting there, after an eleven hour day at work (and I'm not even employed as something awesome, such as a nurse), just looking at Facebook, trying to wind down for the day. I see all of these great posts from the most amazing women and moms that I know. They highlight how sad they are that their children are no longer home with them, and that the school year has begun. They have their stinking cute little posts with the "First Day of ___ Grade" signs held in front of their perfectly posed children, that, honest to God, don't seem to have any bone in their body that fights with their siblings to drive their mother batty! Post after post, I can feel myself slipping into a self loathing state of mind, because....well, I'm not sad. I'm not going to have those cute little signs, even though I think about having them every year. Because, right now, I am busy planning a wedding, raising four kids, working full time (and almost always overtime) and trying to make sure that my kids get hot meals, that they feel supported and are in sports to help build their self esteem and that....well, that takes up all the energy I have. I'm not going to get up in the morning and cook them a hot breakfast on their first day back to school, just so that I can make sure this school year starts off on the right foot, because I'm going to be sleeping to recover from the night shift I am working. I'm not going to be there for when they come home from their first day of school to hear all about how great their day was and the new friends they met. No, instead, I will be working. I will be planning how to continue swimming in the waters that I am wading of a very tiresome life where meltdowns happen from being too hot, too tired, too cold, seeing too many colors, hearing too many sounds or simply just being around too many people. What I would give to be able to be at home with them when they do come home, so that I can hear about their day. I really have sat here, wondering why I am such a terrible parent, that I can't wait for my kids to get back in school. And then, I think to myself, it's okay that I find joy in my kids being back in school. It's okay that I don't have the same feelings about back to school as other moms. I don't have to fit into the mold of what other moms are like. Why? Because I am not them, and they are not me. And really, that's the beauty of it all! We are all different! I've lived the life of being home when the children come home from school, and I enjoyed it at the time. But, I also lost myself and my identity completely. I had no sense of who I was, as a person, beyond that of a mother and a wife at the time. My life was given a very violent shove into once again being a single mother a little over six years ago, and that opportunity of staying home was ripped away from me. And yet, in the same swooping motion, I was washed into a completely new experience, where I developed my own identity. I was in the corporate world, and I had to fend for me and my kids. There was no way to run from the fact that I had to provide, and that meant getting a job.....but it also meant finding me. My point to this late night post is simply this: I don't have to fit into the mold that I once enjoyed. I don't have to fit into the mold that others do. I don't have to love having my kids at home during the summer, because it truly drives me batty when I see the name "HOME" pop up on my phone for the tenth time while I am at work. I write this in the hopes that maybe, someone out there may be feeling the same way. That maybe, somehow, something in this resonates with a reader. That maybe, by being raw and real, and telling you that I don't always find joy in my kids, will let you know that when you feel that way....you aren't the only one. And more importantly, it's okay that you don't find joy in every single part of motherhood. Motherhood is hard. When we pass judgement on others, whether because we think we can do it better, or because we think they are doing it better, it only makes the load that much heavier and harder to carry. At the end of the day, I love my children dearly and would do anything to see them succeed and grow into adults that have well adjusted lives.....ah....who am I kidding? Well adjusted lives don't really exist. There's turmoil and a bit of crazy in every family. I just want my kids to know who they are and what they stand for. That....well, it's a pretty reasonable desire to have. So, it is with this post that I announce that I will share my blog, because I love to write, and that I will be raw and real, and that I make no apologies for it. This is raw. This is real. This is me. And, it's okay!