A Page From The View Of A Teenager

Tonight, I came home and was bogged down with the fact that the kids have pretty much had nothing but meltdowns all day long. My oldest tells me that even though they are putting on brave faces, that everyone misses me. From the dogs, to the kids and even my fiance. I try so hard to get home within a reasonable amount of time, but every day it feels like I fail a little bit more. Last week, I clocked over 47 hours for five days worth of work. Every single day, I keep trying to get off the clock within 8 hours.....but, it doesn't happen. And every time that I clock out beyond that 8 hours, I find another scratch into the wall of how I am failing as a mother and fiance. Every day, I can't help but let my mind run to the Alicia Keys song, "Superwoman" in which the lyrics say, "For all the mothers fighting for better days to come. And all my women, all my women sitting here trying to come home before the sun......I am Superwoman. Yes I am. Even when I'm a mess, I still put on my vest with an S on my chest. Oh yes! I'm a Superwoman. When I'm breaking down and I can't be found, and I start to get weak, cuz no one knows me underneath these clothes. But I can fly." Most days, I feel guilty for working the way I do anymore. And the thought of something taking away your peace, and it being too expensive has definitely crossed my mind a lot these days. I worry so much that I am sick to my stomach with anxiety. I can't sleep a full night's sleep without waking up and feeling like I am somehow going to be in trouble. I can't possibly finish all of the work I am given, regardless of how hard I try. There's just simply too much to do. My work is never done. I am a mother. I am a mother of special needs children. I am a mother of teenagers......and that, in and of itself is a never ending balancing act. And all of this, on top of being a daughter, a friend, a fiance, an employee, a granddaughter, a cousin, a neighbor....it's exhausting. My fifteen year old sat here on the couch, talking to me for forty-five minutes, telling me that she really misses me. She was talking to me as though she was speaking to my employer and she said, "I know my mom is a good trainer, but she's also a good mother and she's missing out on it because you guys keep breaking your promises of putting her back on to the morning shift. You tell her two weeks. That turns into a month. Then, you promise just one month and now you are asking for three." She told me that she was grateful that I have a job and that I am able to provide for the house, clothes on their backs and food in their mouths. But, seeing her fight back tears and so much hurt and anger was heart wrenching. This then led her to the point of our discussion where she said, "I want to get a job so that my mom can actually be at home with us when we eat dinner. I don't want my mom to see me for an hour in the morning and maybe thirty minutes at night. I want her to be here to help me through my life and with my problems that I am having. Not through texts." I've told her that it's my job to earn the money and to provide and that I would never allow her to provide for the family. The dismay and heartbreak on her face is visible and feels as though she is reaching into my chest and ripping my heart out. She doesn't mean it maliciously and tells me over and over again that she is not blaming me, but my employer, for just flipping a switch one day. We don't live a lavish life. We live in a three bedroom, two and a half bath townhome. I don't have a luxury car. I don't have the latest electronics and we don't buy the latest trends. If my children have name brand clothes on, it's because we found them at the local thrift store. I told my daughter that this, unfortunately, is the reality of the economy and society that we live in. That both parents have to work, typically. Her words that she wants a "real connection with her mom, not just a text to check on her during the day and to hear about school over the phone," but that she craves the "face to face connection with her mother" cut like a knife. Her lip was quivering, eyes filled to the brim with tears as she looked at me and said, "I miss my mom. I don't want you to work nights anymore." And just like that, I sit here, wondering why it is that I am giving my best to my employer, and the leftovers to my family. Why is that a thing? Why is that an expectation? It shouldn't be. How do you answer your child when she says she knows it isn't your fault, but that she is hurting and misses you because you aren't there except for an hour in her morning and MAYBE there before she goes to bed? How do you justify that you won't be there at your kid's soccer games and football games because you have to work? How do you justify that you see your children less than ten hours in five days? These questions, I don't have answers to. In fact, as I sit here writing this post, I can feel the anxiety in my stomach building, as the knots twist tighter and the burn increases to the point that I feel sick. I worry so much about how to resolve these issues so that my kid feels like I am actually there for them. I question every single move I have been making. Was I too flexible for my job? Should I have stayed my ground and risked getting fired? Should I have walked away from the job already? Do I teach my kid that she better just learn to suck it up buttercup, because this is reality? How do I remedy the need for an income, and the clear distress that it is putting on my children to work this shift? I have no answers to these things. Though, they are the questions that keep me up at night. The questions that make me feel sick to my stomach all the time. I don't know how to do more, be more, say more, serve more than I already am. I can't do anything more. I can't be anything more. In fact, it may be time to think of being less. Less things to less people. Less commitments. Less willingness to bend to the will of others. It may be time to stop allowing others to harm me and my family. These are the late night rantings and considerations of a woman that is trying her best all the time.....and yet, it's still never enough. Somehow, I am always failing somewhere. The question is, where do I go from here? Time will only tell.